climbing up the walls

Oh hello.

I can't sleep at night. I feel like writting a bit would help me. Then i remembered this blog I had created when I was 14. I am 23 now. Wow technology has come so far. Goes to prove that anything you put on the internet stays there. Even after 9 years untouched. Well i guess that is a lie since i did post in 2009 but even that feels like planets away.

Lets summarize.

I felt as if when i was 14 that i was always pregnant with possibilities, that the world was there for the taking, that i could really find a deep meaning and make myself useful. I had some goals, really rich goals of pioneering, finishing school, getting a trade (hairdressing); but i mostly just wished to be content and build a family,not like the kids kinda family, but just surround myself with people i could take care of that would appreciate me and they would take care of me and give me a safety net and i them. I never really thought i would want kids because my dream man would want to travel the world and pioneer with me. Like aint' nobody got time for that!

I went through some tough times. Mostly of my own stupid choices that gave me years of rather uncomfortable consequences. Some of just pure raw bad circumstances.
A few really bad relationships that i truly feel like took the fight out of me, they really jaded my heart. Sometimes i feel guilty because i feel like my own husband didnt get to see the person i was or could have been, that i wasted all that loving energy and spirit on some that really didnt appreciate or even know what it was. Oh right i am married. To a wonderful man taboot. Seriously he is my protector, i admire and respect him in so many levels. He has this amazing smile and laugh and it makes me incredibly happy when i can get him to laugh. We have been married for a year and 7 months. He is what i needed. And i feel like i made the best spiritual choice, which is surprising for me because of my track record. But he just saw right through everything. He looks at my potential and has never, even once put me down on any level. I think this is super rare for any relationship these days. And i am so thankful he treats so graciously. And it hasn't been as hard as i was told it would be. The thing we find the hardest is that we are so comfortable with each other that we dont try to impress each other any more. Maybe its just the day to day wear and tear on us, by the time we are in our space again all we can do is just breath. We are working on this tho, its nice when you try to make someone you love laugh, or feel assured in some way.

I have learned over the past few years and i remind myself about it at least once a year ( its like i have this revelation every year, even tho i have had it before) that i am self centered.
 I really need to work on my listening and actually just listening. I take things so personally. (oh here i go...) I build mountains and oceans in my head. What could or should or is or would.
Don't get me wrong sometimes i come to conclusions that are bang on! This frightens me but also brings me inner delight, and that inner delight also frightens me. I am just a speck of dust. I am no greater than my emotions, and i cant expect other people to be either.
I dedicated my life to a greater purpose and i will be completely honest here when saying that i do not live up to that in the way i should. Some days i live completely for myself, and that is absolutely not ok. I have to be more mindful of this and make a change. I can no longer rely on myself.

Over the last 5 years i have attended and graded from Aveda. I have started my own business, and i think its been successful. Now I suffer from some health problems that im attempting to take care of. And i am frightened. I am scared how i will be emotionally after surgery. I am mostly terrified of not having my sister there. Its my own damn fault. I have compared this to a death in the family, as i am going through all the emotions. I am angry, but not angry enough to not forgive or forget. But for me it feels like a betrayal. I am at the point where i would be more than overjoyed to repair anything i could but i also cant take the pain and awkwardness that comes along with that because the situation is still in full swing, the problem has not been taken away but has just grown deeper roots. Is the family connection gone? I get that its suppose to be a new family, but do you have to throw the old one out? Are you really not going to be there for this?
It has really made me examine all of my friendships. How close you feel to people and what you would give for them, but that sentiment isn't returned. I guess that's the point tho isn't it? To be giving and not ask anything in return. I guess i really didn't know my sister. The other person ya i expected something like this from them, but i didn't think she would be the one to make such a life changing choice. But who am i? I should really examine my standing and importance in peoples lives, i really need to have a realistic view. I need to try harder. I really am sad that its come to the expense of loosing someone i deeply care about to realize this.
As for my surgery and recovery I know i will have support. It is just terrifying at times. I go through waves of demanding support and ditches of wanting to be just left alone.

That was not a summery it was a blob of information.

b*&Ches be crazy.