climbing up the walls

Oh hello.

I can't sleep at night. I feel like writting a bit would help me. Then i remembered this blog I had created when I was 14. I am 23 now. Wow technology has come so far. Goes to prove that anything you put on the internet stays there. Even after 9 years untouched. Well i guess that is a lie since i did post in 2009 but even that feels like planets away.

Lets summarize.

I felt as if when i was 14 that i was always pregnant with possibilities, that the world was there for the taking, that i could really find a deep meaning and make myself useful. I had some goals, really rich goals of pioneering, finishing school, getting a trade (hairdressing); but i mostly just wished to be content and build a family,not like the kids kinda family, but just surround myself with people i could take care of that would appreciate me and they would take care of me and give me a safety net and i them. I never really thought i would want kids because my dream man would want to travel the world and pioneer with me. Like aint' nobody got time for that!

I went through some tough times. Mostly of my own stupid choices that gave me years of rather uncomfortable consequences. Some of just pure raw bad circumstances.
A few really bad relationships that i truly feel like took the fight out of me, they really jaded my heart. Sometimes i feel guilty because i feel like my own husband didnt get to see the person i was or could have been, that i wasted all that loving energy and spirit on some that really didnt appreciate or even know what it was. Oh right i am married. To a wonderful man taboot. Seriously he is my protector, i admire and respect him in so many levels. He has this amazing smile and laugh and it makes me incredibly happy when i can get him to laugh. We have been married for a year and 7 months. He is what i needed. And i feel like i made the best spiritual choice, which is surprising for me because of my track record. But he just saw right through everything. He looks at my potential and has never, even once put me down on any level. I think this is super rare for any relationship these days. And i am so thankful he treats so graciously. And it hasn't been as hard as i was told it would be. The thing we find the hardest is that we are so comfortable with each other that we dont try to impress each other any more. Maybe its just the day to day wear and tear on us, by the time we are in our space again all we can do is just breath. We are working on this tho, its nice when you try to make someone you love laugh, or feel assured in some way.

I have learned over the past few years and i remind myself about it at least once a year ( its like i have this revelation every year, even tho i have had it before) that i am self centered.
 I really need to work on my listening and actually just listening. I take things so personally. (oh here i go...) I build mountains and oceans in my head. What could or should or is or would.
Don't get me wrong sometimes i come to conclusions that are bang on! This frightens me but also brings me inner delight, and that inner delight also frightens me. I am just a speck of dust. I am no greater than my emotions, and i cant expect other people to be either.
I dedicated my life to a greater purpose and i will be completely honest here when saying that i do not live up to that in the way i should. Some days i live completely for myself, and that is absolutely not ok. I have to be more mindful of this and make a change. I can no longer rely on myself.

Over the last 5 years i have attended and graded from Aveda. I have started my own business, and i think its been successful. Now I suffer from some health problems that im attempting to take care of. And i am frightened. I am scared how i will be emotionally after surgery. I am mostly terrified of not having my sister there. Its my own damn fault. I have compared this to a death in the family, as i am going through all the emotions. I am angry, but not angry enough to not forgive or forget. But for me it feels like a betrayal. I am at the point where i would be more than overjoyed to repair anything i could but i also cant take the pain and awkwardness that comes along with that because the situation is still in full swing, the problem has not been taken away but has just grown deeper roots. Is the family connection gone? I get that its suppose to be a new family, but do you have to throw the old one out? Are you really not going to be there for this?
It has really made me examine all of my friendships. How close you feel to people and what you would give for them, but that sentiment isn't returned. I guess that's the point tho isn't it? To be giving and not ask anything in return. I guess i really didn't know my sister. The other person ya i expected something like this from them, but i didn't think she would be the one to make such a life changing choice. But who am i? I should really examine my standing and importance in peoples lives, i really need to have a realistic view. I need to try harder. I really am sad that its come to the expense of loosing someone i deeply care about to realize this.
As for my surgery and recovery I know i will have support. It is just terrifying at times. I go through waves of demanding support and ditches of wanting to be just left alone.

That was not a summery it was a blob of information.

b*&Ches be crazy.

Can you push it back and forth and keep it balanced?

He is low to the ground he knows how to handle himself, not to mention he is black! i think he loves me just as much as i love him.

It would be easier to get over you if you were dead!

I have a wart. Its name? Well, its Watson, "Watson the wart".

It came on a cold day, at first i observed it, seemingly small, round in shape,no change in color on top of my right hand knuckle, of all places!

A week went by, people started to now make comments on my round protruding flesh. 'What is that?' 'i don't know, it grew in a week!' and then i would become fascinated with my new topic of conversation, 'do you think its a wart?'... Needless to say most joined in with my fascination, mocked, or were simply and utterly repulsed. (NEVER USE THIS CONVERSATION STARTER IN A GROUP OF OLDER SISTERS IN SERVICE)

And then it became a problem...

You see Ive caved in with this new cool thing all the young hipsters are doing it these days, you may know it by its term "punching it" followed by a reaching out of the clenched fist to clenched fist touch of approval..... can you picture my problem yet? the whole location of the wart and everything, makes it all awkward when they don't want to touch you, so they try, and well you know, slyly go for the other hand, trying to fake like they thought you were left handed or something(almost punching you in the face).... ya ya when that happens. what was i talking about again? ri right lets get to week 2

THE BURNING!

So me and my partner in crime got together, we inspected the large rump on my knuckle(can i say rump?) Not being careful (well slightly) we decided to wart remover it. of course it went all white and crumbly, but then very very red and scary! heck id be angry too if someone tried to burn me out of their life (ahem stupid old BF), anyways anyways, not only did we burn him but we burnt all the skin around him. ' Give it a week, I'm sure it will be gone, and if not we'll burn it again'.... 'um ok eeeek blooody hurts', i thought in my head.

I GIVE IT A NAME!

By the time another week has passed, i have gone out and bought a new pair of leather gloves, its cold outside, im sick of Rachel mocking me about my pink leather gloves(she calls them gardening gloves), Audrey Hepburn never looses her style...

It must be human, it must be my twin, i burned it, picked it off, duct taped it, and it grew and grew and grew.

I keep getting comments like 'hey are you gonna name that thing?' You betchya its got a name!

"Watson the Wart"

....i tried to kill Watson last night again... :( one day i will succeed.

Fallon-EB

I spend a lot of energy and time talking in generalities.
I watch a lot of movies, read some books, listen to CBC, thinking about life, how to do it right, how to be balanced, to find what i like, figure out who i want to be.
I do try to do personal study daily, altho i have slacked off these past couple of weeks.

Im not balanced, all i want to do is be able to get up in the morning around 7:30-8 be able to have a shower, make a coffee, and eat while doing my text and reading. My room is pitch black in the a.m, therefor i never get up.
When i do get up i stay at home, and wish i had someone calling or texting, or that just wanted me around. Id like the option of turning someone down because i have something better to do. lol. shallow and pointless, i know.
I think so much of my bordem i can't put it to good use, it's sucked the joy out of my personal study. I use to enjoy it more when i had to turn down invites so that i could buy out the time for it, now i have the time fore it but i spend it busy worrying.

So on a attempt to fix this vicious cycle this week for my study night, i looked up articles on two things

• Being content
• Loneliness

The loneliness article brought out that an artist is never lonely- people with hobbies. I aint got a hobby!

And i suddenly dont want to write anymore....

my soul is seeking the blind underneath the graves of defeat

Dear blog, it has been a long time.

I fear my life and creativity has become less, well, creative, since we last spoke.
Come to think about it, it never really was creative.

I long for the days when i will use my brain to its full capacity.

I look for the eye of detail in the lands of stubbornness.

Music, Graphics, Dance, and Comedic Stance are what i long for. What i contemplate. My ideas don't translate.

i twist and turn in confusion, not my own, but in others confusion for what i am saying.... kinda like now.

i stop. i wait. and then i do a little dance... contemplate the world and everything, the number 42. and then i demonstrate the weight of a grey whale, balancing on a white square plate.

(hmm i don't know where that came from it just came out)

old eyes turn blue in the sun

I find that as i sit here, honestly trying to figure out my next move in life, no job, no home, and virtually isolating myself from humans, i have been thinking random thoughts, now I'm sure that these aren't original thoughts, I'm positive that others before me have thought of these before, but they still amuse me.
Ive decided that i will learn something new everyday, or at least realize something everyday.

• today I've thought about cows.

there amazing stomachs. i wish i had four compartments to store such nutritious things!

• face book. how in the world has it become so popular? i realized that I've had a face book for a year. time flies. i also realized i check my face book very often. & u have to be careful what status update you post because most certainly someone will find a way to apply it to themselves and take it the wrong way. even if it was a movie quote, or something to do with a person that's hours away that's not even on your face book. or maybe their reply in their status to my status I'm just taking the wrong way?

• sarcasm. at what point did i stop thinking sarcastically? i think it was the lack of munns, no one mocking me. that sure did keep me on my toes. so i tried to get it back today. i gave it a good effort to turn everything i thought about into some sort of sarcastic remark.

Ive been trying to be creative, not block out the silly thoughts... that's been wierd, i have a lot of perplexing thoughts. i wonder if they are dumb, if its just from my lack of education(as you can see with my writing skills) that i think these thoughts or if I'm just being more expressive.

i raked the house's yard. at nine thirty last nite. pitch dark in the rain, because i honestly had nothing else to do. HONESTLY. i have done all my study for the week, and extra personal study. I'm telling you lack of human.